Insanely healthy and delicious no carb salmon cakes


I try to generally eat and cook healthy food. I actually like healthy things like vegetables and fish, salads, soups and rye bread. I don't have much of a sweet tooth, I can have chocolate in the house and I don't immediately need to scoff it all. I also don't like anything deep fried, believe it or not.

Salmon patties with spring onion and dill

I have a bit of a cheese habit though, the harder and fattier the better, gouda, gruyere, emmental, cheddar, edam, manchego... And if you combine it with potatoes somehow or melt it on top of anything, that's me done for. Sometimes I just melt some in the microwave on a plate if I can't think of anything else to put under it. Kind of a quick fondue.

Ok back to the story about my healthy eating habits.

I went through a bit of a crazy time in my late teens when I'd just had enough of years and years of my brothers' oh so funny jokes about my weight. I was always normal weight, but unfortunately the benchmark was my scrawny little sister, the bone bag. When we played Monopoly one of us was a banker. I often wanted to be. I was allowed, if they got to call me the Bank Lardo. If my sister wanted to be banker they'd call her the Bank Moose (she has a bit of a long face). Nice.

At least I could do something about my alleged fat whereas my poor sister was stuck with the long face (she later grew into her face and turned out a beautiful lady).

So to shut them the fuck up I pretty much stopped eating for about 6 months. So that wasn't so healthy. My periods stopped and my parents got very worried. Mum made the school nurse spy on me to make sure I ate something during lunch. And when of course I didn't, the sneaky bitch told my mother. I got over it luckily with no physical or (obvious) mental harm and my brothers shut up about my weight after that. Not because of compassion or kindness, but because even on their scale (!) there was no fat left to joke about.

So anyway ever since then I've been a bit paranoid about putting on weight. Having a reasonably healthy diet and trying to squeeze in a couple of runs (they are jogs really, or limping around with sciatica at the moment, but running just sounds much more impressive) a week seems to be working for me as a balanced way of life. The thing is when you're past your peak in terms of collagen production a few extra pounds actually work in your favour. Facially. Butt wise not so much.

As a wise friend once said, at this age the choice must be made [between butt and face].

But nowadays an added reason to cook healthy food is husband who has an absolutely shit genetic build. He is already on blood pressure medication and I stalk him with a blood pressure mojito - oops autocorrect, I wish there was a blood pressure mojito, it sounds a lot more fun than a monitor which of course is what I stalk him with. For his cholesterol I feed him Benecol spread and yoghurts, and I've switched to a low sodium salt and keep the salt level reasonably low. Although I think if you don't put enough salt you might as well not eat at all.

Nevertheless husband has developed a bit of a belly in my loving care and also maybe over the summer holidays in my mother's loving care. Not much and he exercises a lot, so it is not getting out of control. But to respect his wish to try to slimline the belly a bit I have been even more healthy than normal this week and cooked very light dinners for us. Although then after a very light and healthy dinner he may require a bowl of custard.

Instead of pan-fried fish cakes with potato mash and bread crumbs, which of course are yammy and not particularly unhealthy, I made equally lovely but even more healthy, maybe more burgery than cakey salmon patties with no carbs. Not that I think carbs are particularly bad, good carbs are a great source of energy and fibre, and I am not an advocate for the Atkins diet at all. That diet would definitely kill my husband in no time. So there's an idea for anyone, who's maybe less happily married, a couple of recent real life examples spring to mind, the Scandalous Lady W and the Dutchess. I have been in period drama land lately. Not very happy girls those two. Lovely dresses and jewellery clearly don't make up for an arse for a husband. But rather than eloping with weaselly men who chicken out at the critical moment, the way out of the unhappy marriages might have been bacon and eggs.

No carb salmon patties with spring onion and dill

Insanely healthy Salmon fishcakes recipe (makes 4) 

440g (4 fillets) salmon
zest of a lemon
1 tbsp honey
2 tbsp chopped fresh dill
2-3 spring onions
lemon pepper
dash of Tabasco or small amount of fresh chopped chilli

Heat the oven to 200C. Chop the salmon. Chop the onion finely. Mix all the ingredients together. If you have time leave in the fridge a while for the flavours to develop, but you can also cook immediately. Form into four patties, place in a lightly greased oven dish. Bake for about 10 minutes, flip over and bake for another 10 minutes. Mine weren't getting any colour so I turned the grill on for the last 5 minutes to brown them a little.

You Might Also Like


  1. You obviously didn't do the 'violence' thing with your siblings? Me and my brother solved everything by beating the shit out of one another :) His fave was jumping on my back and winding me, I was a bit more violent and used to slam doors in his face and managed to nearly knock him out with the door handle once.
    Weight for young girls is a minefield, a lot of my friends didn't eat (one still doesn't) and deluded parents, scumbag boyfriends and media rubbish didn't help help the situations. My own weight never bothered me too much, I was a metalhead, I looked weird anyways...on purpose :D I'm glad it didn't effect you beyond those six months, next time you see your brother, door handle him ;)

  2. :) I will think of the door handling, thanks for the tip!

    I was awkwardly between my older brothers (too much younger and smaller to physically attack them) and my younger sister and brother (too old to ethically beat them up). So yes, I was a surprisingly nonviolent child.

    I'm glad I didn't grow up in today's weight obsessed plastic media environment, I'd be thoroughly fucked up.

    There are so many more important things in life. Like food :)